Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my computer decided to restart itself, and I lost the 37 tabs I had open. my life is in shambles

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep

   This is my Facbook status, 'like' it or not....

   The Allstate mayhem guy drunkenly stumbles into the Progressive headquarters, while screaming, “COME AT ME FLO!!”

   The only way I make women wet is by pushing them into the pool.

   Pro tip: Before you tell her that you love her, make sure you're not horny, drunk, lonely, desperate, sad, angry, bored or hungry.

   I met the love of my life at Starbucks. She was beautiful, but I knew I had to drink her eventually.

   Sometimes I envy deaf people because they never have to tell someone to shut up.

   If Phil Collins doesn't sing 'Coming in the HAIR tonight' as he jizzes in a girl's face, then why is he even bothering to be Phil Collins?

   Turn a man down for sex, he gets over it. Turn a woman down? Oh. My. God.

   Today is Flag Day...Where can I plant mine?:)

   I'm not desperate because i'm single, i'm single because i'm not desperate.

   Don't download the new Helen Keller ringtone. The volume on my phone was all the way up and I still missed 7 calls yesterday.

   It'll be awesome if Danica Patrick ever starts first so we can hear “Danica is on the pole!” over and over!

   The bad news: Tom Cruise is playing an 80's rockstar at nearly 50, Yikes!!!...The worse news: The only women old enough to play his groupies are Betty White & Barbara Walters! ツ

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   Lance Armstrong has denied ever using drugs, but he has admitted pedalling.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.