Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never know the proper handshake to give a black guy wearing a suit

   I'm wearing one of those Chippendale bowties to make people wonder if my clothes are breakaway.

   This lady just said she's naming her baby Nevaeh b/c its Heaven spelled backwards. I said, just name her what she's going to end up being. Tulsa.

   I want to start a radio station that only plays music by people who play instruments.

   If you're looking for the Poop emoticon on Whatsapp, go straight to the "people" tab.

   This cop is not buying "I need it to scratch areas on my back I can't reach" as an excuse for carrying an AK-47.

   Yeah, Mr Real stupid.

   A beautiful woman touched my balls! It was with her foot when she kicked me, & she thinks my name is “sexist pig”, but I think she likes me!

   Jewish women aren't cheap with the bl0wjobs

   STOP holding secret meetings about my paranoia!

   I hate it when tramps sit next to cash machines and ask you for change, cash machines only give out notes. If you want change, go sit next to a pay phone!

   I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased her down and beat her to death.

   It was so hot today working outside I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.

   Super excited that bicycle seat sniffing season is already here!

   I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will, so I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.

   Admit it. When someone is mean to you, you spend the next 2 months winning arguments with them in your shower.

   The best place to hide a dead body is page 2 of Google search results.

   Oh! I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it..

   I often wonder why there is no step ladder next to the "Ball Washer" at my golf course...

   Women only need 3.5 inches to reach maximum pleasure. Yes...It's called a credit card.