Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has found my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

   living in a van down by the river!

   Sharing a Facebook account with your gf/wife is the best way to let everyone know how whipped you are.

   If I've learned anything from listening to world news, it's that the world is full of countries I've never even heard of.

   Dear guys wearing skinny jeans, I... Can't.... Breathe.... Sincerely, your damn balls.

   This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

   Can someone please update my Facebook status for me. I had ravioli for dinner.

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don't do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   i do believe my fake laugh is ready to go pro.

   Maybe I like my dirty mouth.... Orbit... you're NEVER getting in me.

   Why do people say they slept like a baby? Is it because they wake up every two hours or is it because they wake up with a load in their jammies?

   ya know...i tried tap dancing once, but I had to give it up....i kept falling into the sink!

   Be my guest, rain on my parade, I have the biggest umbrella you have ever seen!

   so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

   During sex last night I whispered those 3 little words in my wifes ear...................................."Stop, Don't Move".

   But seriously John this IS my first rodeo! What am I doing with this angry bull again?

   I just got a new Easy-Bake Oven for the blanket fort, don't tell me how to impress a woman.

   Nicki Minaj is always dressed like a Japanese girl's luggage.

   There is nothing worse than running out of toilet paper and having to ask the guy in the next stall to wipe you.

   I put suicide notes next to roadkill so their animal families have some closure.