Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you open your iPhone camera when it's reversed, and your own face scares and shames you, it's considered cardio.

   "supermassive black hole" is always funny, I don't care what you say.

   When LIFE turns itz BACK on U.. SLAP itz a$$!!!!

   I think that I should inform everyone to NEVER take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night. Trust me!

   Before gaydar, it is widely suspected that gay men found each other using a cumpass.

   Make love to a woman's mind, and her body will follow in kind

   This wrinkle cream made my balls look like some weird balloon animal.

   Excuse me Ladies, but my eyes are up here.

   It's so humid in here in the office that the envelopes are licking themselves.

   Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.

   "Does anybody know what time it really is?" - man with an irrational distrust of watches and clocks.

   Just when I thought I hit rock bottom, a wild trap door appears and prove me wrong.

   I just called Chaz Bono "lady" now I'm sitting back and watching the fire works

   Dear Non Smokers: You know we only blow smoke in your faces so that you will finally stop breathing, right?

   Some people in my life are as useless as the "AY" in "OKAY", but once in awhile I like to take the time to spell things out so I need em..

   After I bang a chick, I draw a “#” on the her lower back. I call it an #asstag.

   Never fight anyone who bows to you first.

   surprisingly Going on a killing spree has a minimal impact on your credit score.

   ive started drinking raw milk. no homo

   I waited so long to do laundry, that now I'm headed to the Laundromat wearing my Halloween costume….