Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can be the ripest, juiciest and sweetest strawberry in the field, and there's still going to be some fool who hates strawberries.

   A good woman can make you feel macho, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry… that's vodka… vodka does that.

   When one door closes… the dress falls off.

   WANTED... Illegal immigrant to act as a mud flap for a 1978 Ford Cortina. Must be flexible and willing to travel.

   My friend Dave is serving a life sentence for something he didn't do. He didn't wipe his fingerprints off the knife.

   I can never tell a girl I like her so instead I climb up her window while she's sleeping and whisper how I feel while playing with her hair. Collapse

   my heart is the dumbest organ in my body. but also it keeps me alive.

   If I'm down on my knees, I'm probably not one who's begging.

   The one thing that I'll never understand is women, tofu, yoga, and counting...

   Sometimes. I don't understand women. Other times. They are sleeping.

   I'm a great musician. I was playing my trumpet at 5am when my neighbor threw a brick through my window. He must've wanted to hear me better.

   "Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.

   Magic Johnson just said Lebron is special. When a guy who beat AIDS calls you special, then you know!

   LeBron left Cleveland so he didn't have to play by himself in order to win a ring. Looks like Miami is just Cleveland with better weather.

   Sometimes I like to pet another dog while making eye contact with my dog. Adds just the right amount of tension to our relationship.

   Mexican jokes & black jokes are all the same. Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal.

   I hear birds chirping. Either I'm up way too late or I've banged my head cartoon style.

   Her: “I'm overweight, my boobs sag, I have wrinkles and my hair is turning gray… Compliment me so I'll feel better.” Him: “There's nothing wrong with your eyesight!”

   The Center for Disease Control released a statement this week that zombies do NOT exist...with the exception of Donatella Versace.

   Just told a girl that she has two centipedes on her face but then I realized it was her drawn on eyebrows.