Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have come to the conclusion that the dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   Adam never let Eve boss him around. He wore the plants in the relationship.

   I scrolled too far back on my timeline and I ended up on myspace

   "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.", huh. Hence the zombie apocalypse.....

   Flirting words = "Big head", "Punk", "Ugly", & "We gone fight."" ;)

   A man lying in bed facing his wife, looks into her eyes and says, "Looking at your face reminds me of the lottery babe", She replies "You mean I'm worth millions?" He says "No I wish you would roll over !"

   "Lick it or ticket." - horny cop.

   My Wife said the other day "Do you still love me now that I'm getting old and fat?". Apparently "you're not old" was an inppropriate response.

   Standing in walmart cosmetics aisle with wife and she asks me if she should try this tube of wrinkle remover. I replied "it's kind of a small tube, isn't it?". I've stopped coughing up blood, so the doctors optimistic.

   One more foursquare check-in at McDonald's and Mayor McCheese gets to steppin'.

   Pregnancy...when the belly starts to show...the tiddays start to grow.

   They say "Opposites attract" but they never tell you for how long.

   Dear Someone: I miss you so damn much!

   Hey baby, did it hurt when you fell from your parents' lofty expectations?

   Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, nudity, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

   The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

   Lonely and unloved? There's a cat for that.

   Some legends say we must sacrifice Justin Bieber to appease the dark forces inside Syria.

   The early bird needs to shut up.

   If you keep your child on a leash in public, I will not hesitate to ask "Does he bite?"