Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Butt dialing was a lot harder with rotary phones.

   No human being in the history of the world has ever enjoyed hearing about another human being's workout.

   I bet a spider has a great "web sight"!!

   STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

   I smiled today. I'm going to be so sore tomorrow!

   The Transit of Venus was by far the best small black dot moving boringly across a large yellow circle I've ever witnessed.

   Taco Bell now going Gourmet and offering Chihuahua Rice and Mexican premium Water!

   Apparently my cat didnt get that memo that dryers are not the place to crawl into...... hes dead now

   There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.

   oh yes, talk dirty to me...whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Tell me how you're gonna bend over that sink and ... wash them damn dishes!

   Gas is about $4.25 a gallon and girls still think guys come over just to "chill"

   A slut is fun in everyone's bed. A good girlfriend is only a slut in yours.

   I bet if Adam and Eve were Chinese, they would have eaten the snake and not the apple.

   They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.

   George Zimmerman is proof that we don't need any more gun control. We need pin-headed vigilante control.

   When I grow up, i'm going to a fine culinary school...Mcdonalds.

   my mind never wonders but my hands do ;)

   So its only B3G0 fool who gets away with re-p0sting old material up in this b!tch?

   This password requires one uppercase letter, one number, [at least] one swastika, the blood of your first born and a bird skull.

   Well here I am, sitting on the pavement with my pork pies, sandwiches, & beer. Flying my union jack flag, cheering at the top of my voice with British pride as the procession goes past. Dont you just love muslim funerals.