Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I'm smoking in an open space and someone starts coughing like a b1tch, I throw a teargas canister at them and run.

   My neighbor called the cops because he thought I was screaming in pain when in fact I was just singing in the shower.

   I keep a jar labelled "HIV Virus" in my jacket so when someone tries to fight me, I show it to them and throw it at their feet and run.

   It was all good at the HS reunion party until I laughed too hard my gun fell out of my pocket.

   When somebody tells me to relax, I immediately do.-nobody ever

   "The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so the other kids can't escape.

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   Whenever a woman says "I want to show you something", I always reply "Okay!" in as fast as 0.03475 secs.

   I comb my hair using a fork and start talking about astrology to myself each time I see a Jehovahs Witness walking towards me in a restaurant.

   Why is it a "12-pack" and not a "jury of your beers"?

   it's summer, the kids are home. I should just accept that everyday the house is gonna look like Bourbon Street on Monday morning.

   Who else had one of those pens with a million colors, and tried to push all the buttons at once?

   Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.

   If someone from the future's reading this: this is how we used to waste our time in the past.

   Pit Bull is so cool he probably scores with the ladies at least twice a month...

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch.

   Even if you don't believe in the Mayan calender, somewhere in the back of your mind you're thinking "I wonder if that sh!ts for real".....

   I almost felt strongly about something today but then I saw a duck

   a mute's dream job to be a mime?