Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Wife: My gynocolagist says I can't have sex for two weeks. Husband: What did your dentist say?

   An omelet made terribly, is, at its worst, very good scrambled eggs.

   I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.

   Midwife - People helping people get people out of people.

   "When the hell did I say all that?" -Simon

   During exams, students look up for inspiration, down in desperation, and left and right for information.

   Whoever said "money doesn't grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed

   Crayola coming out with a new color Oompa Loompa in honor of Jersey Shore and Willy Wonka

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are

   While using a public toilet I use the first pieces TP to cover the automatic flusher sensor because its just annoying until I'm finished.

   Those guys with "I Love My Wife" bumper stickers definitely been caught cheating

   Girlfriend: Baby, I'm Pregnant. What do you want it to be? . . . . . . Boyfriend: A joke.

   I wear my wedding ring on my middle finger to remind me of how f*cked I am

   Despite the cost of living, it's still popular!

   Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. “I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide.”

   Women have to deal with periods and pregnancy, men have to deal with women. It's all about balance.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg.: HA-HA!!! --MySpace Tom

   Roses are red, violets are fine, I'll be the six if you be the nine