Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The famous 39lbs cat named Meow has died... When reached for comment Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid said Meow's death is CLEARLY a result of the Republicans WAR on CATS!

   note to self.... on the night your wife turns 33... she is not TWICE as flexible as a 16 1/2 year old...

   Why did Facebook go public? Couldn't they figure out the privacy settings either?

   What's the most sensitive part of your body while m@sturbating? Your ears because you're listening for footsteps ... in case someone walks in on you.

   DOG DIARY: Today was so much fun! My master and I played fetch! CAT DIARY: Day 972 of captivity.

   I have this bad habit of always using my left hand to wipe my ass. Instead, I'm going to try to commit to using toilet paper more often.

   I shall share with thee how I emerged as the youthful heir to the throne of Bel-Air.

   What guys use pockets for: 7%: Putting stuff in it. 93%: Secretly scratching their balls.

   People are tired of hearing about my girlfriend troubles, especially my wife.

   If your chinese store dont have bullet proof glass then your not in the hood.!

   Wonder if Zuckererg lost his virginity last night

   Was gonna deactivate my facebook..but I thought I'd be so proud of myself I'd wanna put it as my status..so I thought it was no point! :)

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   The distance between my being overwhelmed with happiness and wondering when it will all fall apart is precisely seventeen seconds.

   I KNOW it's early,,, but I've already got a date lined up for Valentine's Day,,,,,,,,,,,,It's gonna be Feb.14th.

   Fighting fire with fire only gives you ashes.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives here.

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   WHAT,, Age is only a number??? I Don't think so asshat....."age" is a word...

   If you're smart, handsome with a good personality you can get any girl except a black one.