Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, I cry.

   You're at starbucks? Please post pictures of your coffee, I've never seen one before.

   Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. but she's cute, so I'm going to like it.

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   if I had a time machine I would stop O.J. Simpson from killing those people then nobody would know what a Kardashian is

   Click "Like" if you're for team Zimmerman. Click "Unfriend" if you're for team Martin.

   An autopsy report reviled that marijuana was found in Trayvon's blood system... Now I'm really pissed!  Zimmerman making Travon smoke weed before shooting him? That's just wrong!

   I'm confused...someone just said the disco queen died, but John Travolta appears to still be alive.

   Hey FB friend, the only time I've acknowledged you ever was thirty seconds after I accepted your friend request I scanned through your photos with negative results.

   If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .

   Don't take this the wrong way, but putting your number on FB, asking people to 'invite' you on WhatsApp, has got to be on some world record level of DESPERATE

   Through technical scientific research, I have discovered a direct correlation between the size of a woman's breasts and how mentally unstable she is. The bigger the boobs, the bigger the crazy.

   Man Utd have just announced, that after a trophyless season & a run of disappointing results, they have this morning, sacked Howard Webb..!!

   Apparently,,, Someone's been putting Rogaine on my Q-Tips and toilet paper.

   My neighbor is opening a pig farm... Just caught wind of it today.

   surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts

   I just told an ethiopian to shut his fly hole.....in retrospect, I guess that was mean.

   Fell asleep after lunch today and had a bad dream. I hate daymares.

   Of course I talk to myself - sometimes I need expert advice!

   So you discovered your best angle when you take pictures... You lil model you, hardly recognized you! In real life!