Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If part of being your man is having to ever hear you perform your songs then, no, Sheryl Crow, I am not strong enough.

   Whenever a man wants to prove to me that he's tough, I make him fry bacon without a shirt on.

   @comediancoolaid: I didn't know I was single untill I was wit this chic and her phone rang and she told me to be quiet.

   : Nothing in the world is more obnoxious than a middle-aged white woman on her second glass of wine. Seriously, calm down

   If you think I wrote this status update in the nude, you're wrong. I'm wearing a sombrero and a candy necklace.

   I went to see my boss today and said, "I think we have a communication problem." He replied, "You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago."

   I feel like a MILF because Man I Love Facebook.

   The key to successful relationships is not to start any.

   The only reason why I wouldn't care if I ever actually laughed my ass off is that I rarely give a sh*t.

   Dear girl running for her life, I was only running after you with the knife trying to protect you from whatever you were running from... call me

   I wonder when they will put the middle class on the endangered species list.

   Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for?" Me: "Nope - still single." Both of us: "Hahahaha!"

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

   there anything worse than being in a quiet break-room with someone eating something crunchy?

   Today I'm going to sleep naked. *14 mosquitos likes this*

   I'm trying Speed dating, but so far all these women are screaming at me to slow the bus down under 50 mph :(

   Your dad once had a shop towel that he used to clean up oil and grease. That towel grew up to be Russell Brand.

   No one cares about your problems. Take your clothes off.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.