Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   :Apparently all the women that can deep throat are sitting in their rooms sexting all day.

   :The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my azz will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work...

   They should show the premiere of "Battleship" on Rihanna's forehead.

   With how slutty this generation of girls are, if your 16 and your hymen is still intact give yourself a round of applause.

   It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever

   Did you hear Buckwheat from "the little rascals" became a Muslim? His new name is Kareem of Wheat

   Once you go Black, you're a single Mom!!!

   Time to buy groceries. More food in a crack house than around here!

   Teach me to fish...With the price of fishing licences, it would be cheaper to just buy the little b@stards!

   Damn, it's muggy out there.....I'm sweatin' worse than John Travolta's massage therapist! ツ

   The United States...311,591,917 people trying to keep it real, and 7,000 plastic surgeons trying to convince them otherwise.

   Look to the left, now look to the right..... I just virtually slapped you.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   Getting tired of people who haven't had a drop in 10 years calling themselves alcoholics. If you're living in Iowa, you ain't a sea captain.

   Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, tumblr is the bar and facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

   Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls just make you FEEL like you're in Heaven!

   Kim Kardashian just tweeted that she is cleaning up her closing and will be selling her stuff on eBay auctions. Get ready to catch crabs people.

   Listen. You can keep retaking all the pictures you want, but that's what your face looks like.

   "Be honest with me" means "lie convincingly".

   Whenever I screw up at work I'm so glad I'm not a doctor.