Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some days I think I should start seriously dating again.. But the last time I got dumped by a girlfriend, I hijacked a taco truck & lived in a forest preserve for 3 months. Soo What I'm trying to say is I'm a survivor dammit!!

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!

   Pro Tip: Men Here's my advice on women: Don't give them nicknames like jumbo or boxcar & always get receipts for stuff you bought. It makes you look like a smart business guy!

   I may be rude crude and socially unnacceptable but I'm cute dammit!

   Everything happens for a reason. Getting stupid and making poor decisions are the most common reasons.

   You know that line that you aren't supposed to cross? I think I just snorted it.

   I would have gone to Clooney's fundraiser for Obama, but I spent my last $40,000 on gas.......

   ...just here baking in my own dutch oven... curse you taco bell!

   WARNING: Reflections in this mirror may be distorted by socially constructed ideas of 'beauty'

   Can't wait until nothing happens on 12/21/2012.

   People who say, "In my humble opinion" are almost never humble.

   My will stipulates that I'm to be buried with an air pump so that I can inflate my underground enemies during any wild games of Dig Dug.

   When they say, "Hello, sir. Can you sign this petition to end guilt-tripping outside of supermarkets?" Then I'll sign.

   When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."

   NASCAR....Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

   The woman on Time Magazine's cover with her three year old, is there an App for that?

   I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.

   :You know that saying "Once you go black, you never go back"? Well I tell you, it sure does not apply to licorice.