Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Is the whole point of the Home Depot commercials to make me feel lazy?

   When someone says "I've got the Mondays" I yell "OH I HOPE YOU DON'T DIE FROM IT!" and then we don't ever have to talk again.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to subtly disapprove of everything people do today by loudly exhaling.

   I'm chivalrous. I always hold the door open for a woman so I can get a better look at her butt.

   Just doing my daily check here to see what to post.

   Nothing says you're out of shape like getting winded while vacuuming.

   The guy who invented "Take Your Child To Work Day" probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   I think it's pretty awesome to be overweight, because I can usually foil any trapdoor plans

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   I think the show " America's Got Talent " Should have a question mark at the end of it

   Yes, America's the fattest nation on earth but that means were also the funniest when falling off bicycles.

   I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.

   Want proof America's getting fatter?? I Almost ran out of gas waiting to make a right turn on a green light. Woman's ass took 5 minutes longer than she did to cross the street..

   ~ What makes a Man happy? Daughter on cover of Cosmo, Son on cover of Sports Illustrated, Mistress on the cover of Playboy & Wife on the missing persons list.

   Bacon is bacon; eggs is eggs; dont let them boys between your legs; they'll say your cute; they'll say your fine; 9 months later they'll say it ain't mine.

   WoW. Think about that word. WoW backwards is WoW. And WoW upside down is MoM. And MoM upside down is dad's favorite thing. :)

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*