Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it that on Sunday when I say ”I can't, I have to be good at work tomorrow” I do anyway and I'm never good at work tomorrow?

   The only thing worse than reading your status is having to look at your stupid ass profile picture next to it.

   Always have faith and believe in yourself........well... because... the rest of us think you're an idiot!!!

   For the last time people....... I'm not fat! I am just so full of sexy that it over flows... There is a difference!

   I'm going to take my new laptop back to the shop today. I've just noticed that the I, O, X and H keys are upside down.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   A survey found 95% of men don't know how to turn a dishwasher on. Personally I find licking her nipples and a light fingering does the trick.

   I wonder how many times that fat kid on Adam's Family locked himself in the bathroom with a playboy and that freaky hand thing?!?!

   Why is it called "raw sewage?" Does that mean that someone, somewhere, is cooking the sh!t?

   The one good thing about Monday morning, It's the farthest from next Monday you're going to be.

   You can tell a lot about a person by holding them hostage and asking them questions.

   McDonald's should start gearing ads toward their target audience: husky toddlers and seagulls.

   For $2.20 you can get a medium coffee and a free 14 year supplies worth of napkins at dunkin donuts.

   Post some more song lyrics as your status. Someone will eventually understand your struggle.

   Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

   That cougar on the cover of Time magazine is taking' it a bit too far.

   Remember back when phones hung on the wall and didn't have caller ID and you'd run as fast as you could to answer it in hopes it was for you? Times sure have changed! Now we can peek at who's calling us and either get excited or pretend we're not home.

   I wonder if Titanic would have been as romantic if Jack would have said, "Hey Rose how bout we let me get on the headboard for just a couple of minutes"....

   when I was growing up, we were so poor we would go to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other peoples fingers.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.