Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!

   may the 4ththe be with you, for tommorow is the revenge. of the 5yth

   going to take count of how many of his "clever" FB minions post the oh-so-original comment of "May the 4th be with you."

   May the 4th be with you for tommorow is the Revenge of the 5th

   On a ship, Captain Blackmails a girl, “If you dont sleep with me I'll sink the ship” Later, she text her husband, “You must be proud of me, I saved 600 passangers 9 times in 2 days.

   "The Avengers" is about 7 "heroes" trying to save the planet. A scary woman, a black guy, a rich guy, a fat nut, a patriotic dude, a guy with a god complex, and one who doesn't belong.... sounds like the Republican Primaries.

   If the tables were turned and men could give birth it would be nice to hear Maury say "YOU ARE NOT THE MOTHER"!!!!!!

   I dont like to flip the bird to anyone espcially first thing in the morning, but being constantly honked at when I CANT go anywhere make's me want to do just that!!!

   Amnesia is the most common side-effect of Rohypnol. Other common side effects include Vomiting,Irritabillity,Dizziness, and getting raped.

   roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you..

   I think The Timeline went a bit too far when it posted a photo of me being conceived!!!!!

   Happy Star Wars Day!!! Don't let me catch you making out with your sibling.

   I love a nice dark red with hints of oak and floral overtones. And, it was a double flusher!!

   May the 4th be with you. To celebrate I just put a C-3PO action figure in my bum.

   Why man up when you can down a margarita?

   99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 7%.

   If it were the other way around I don't think a cat would take in 60 old people.

   Tomorrow..no lawns will be manicured due to Cinco_de Mayo...not on Sunday or Monday..or rest of the week either...Sorry folks too much Tequila and beer combos.