Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like my Great Grandmother always used to say,,,, 'Marry someone who will love you for your posts and not your profile banner.'

   “and, so, that's where I'm at on the project, I couldn't have done it with out your input.” - How I end every conversation when the boss walks in and catches me goofing off with another employee.

   I already want to take a nap tomorrow

   Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.

   While most of you will be at the theaters watching The Avengers tonight I will be in the confines of my own home watch The Avengers XXX which is a slightly different version of The Avengers

   what do you call a man who has everything and nothing at the same time? Married!

   Photoshop is cool and those Instagram filters are pretty sweet but what are we gonna do about mirrors?

   Wouldn't it be cool to have that magical magic marker for people that stores have for money?? Yanno, to see if they're real!!

   I'm pretty sure there's a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED.....

   I feel like I am forgetting about something. Oh that's right the titans. I was supposed to remember the titans.

   I will only believe that YouTube truly has everything once I can see Burl Ives song Ham and Eggs on there. You have failed, internet.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   Corporation tip: Customer support should not sound like you are listening to a Bin Laden tape. I wonder if the FBI was listening in.

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call.

   It's never acceptable to hit a woman, unless that trick puts light mayo in your sandwich.

   Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.

   I have lived through death of Michael Jackson, first black president, Royal Wedding and Osama's death. My life's a fuc?ing history book.

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.