Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Money doesn't buy happiness, but I'd rather cry in my private jet

   I'm pretty sure the only thing guys learned from the game Hungry, Hungry Hippos is that if you slap it on the ass, it will eat your balls.....

   25% of women take mood stabilizers, yea , the other 75% are runnin around unmedicated

   You know your getting old when you need pen and paper to do maths.

   wonders if homeless people go trick or treating dressed as bums

   if Draw Something is any indication of this country's intelligence..we are in BIG trouble

   terrifoed that these are our kids 'good ole days'

   denial is only a river in egypt

   there is love and friendship then there is declaring love and friendship on Facebook, two totally different worlds that seldom are one.

   Every day above ground is a good day.

   A slutty girl is like the first slice of bread in a loaf. Everybody touches it but nobody wants it.

   I can't use the word euouae without experiencing cramping, abdominal pain, bloating &

   Jury duty on Monday...That in itself is a joke.

   My friend absolutely insisted that I come to her muder mystery dinner party, but then she died suddenly under mysterious circumstances

   Shout out to all the hard of hearing people!

   I am on Buford Avenue and basically ready to wrestle anyone who's up for it. Or even not up for it.

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   Why is it I can't get mobile reception sometimes, yet a terrorist can upload his videos from a cave in Afghanistan?

   A new study found polar bears are capable of swimming vast distances. And they laughed when I warned of an aquatic polar bear invasion

   Today, I again lulled myself in to believing that I can eat at a Taco Bell without ending up screaming for an epidural from the men's room.