Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   remember guys, no matter how hot she is, some dude is sick of her $hit...

   Dear god if you can't make me thin then please just make my friends fat!!!

   Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   Any of my DIY friends need a "Stud Finder"?? Nothing wrong with it, just every time I pick it up to use it... the damn thing goes crazy!!!

   My friend just had a baby. He keeps going on about how he would kill anyone who tried to hurt his child, or he would get run over to save his son. He would even take a bullet for his boy. I said, “Why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?�

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status

   My girfriend's a h00ker with an IQ of 178. What a f**king know-it-all.

   To the people who upload full movies to YouTube: Get a life...also, thank you.

   High schools shouldn't have school zones. If you can't cross the street by the time you're in HS you deserve to get hit.

   If I had a shot of whiskey for everytime I thought of you, I'd be sober.

   I don't trust anyone who chooses a side salad over french fries.

   Facebook: Helping you acknowledge the existence of people you had been successfully ignoring for years.

   Spend life with the people who make you happy, not the people who you have to impress.

   Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn't, stupid enough to do it anyway.

   I can't live without: ✔ Food ✔ Music ✔ Oxygen ✔ Water ✔ Internet ❒ You

   Dating your Ex again is like buying your clothes back from Goodwill. There's a reason you got rid of it in the first place.

   Just ONCE would I love to see a girl I know in a porno

   would like to thank all the micro-brewerys out there for making my alcoholism appear to be no more than a fun hobby

   well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.