Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone sends you a text that says “call me”. Why didn't you just damn call me?

   When I die I'm gonna become a ghost & watch attractive people shower.

   Cello Green has T-Rex arms.

   The transformation of Facebook into MySpace is almost complete.

   ┐('.'┐) ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ ┐('.'┐) (┌'.')┌ (┌'.')┌ cus' this is thriller, thriller night...@

   Had to lift both feet on the toilet today......it was awesome!!!

   Noone is ever best-friends with an English major...

   the circus is in town!!! oh wait, nah, its jus walmart

   Love how the Salvation Army gets top dollar for donated old crap...I thought they were supposed to help poor people. Sorry Mr. Freezing Homeless guy..that coat is $40.

   I'm officially old...spent the day looking for a store that went out of business 20 yrs ago

   The Avengers have Assembled.......and The Dark Knight will Rise.

   OH, IT'S ON NOW! -me, every time I switch the lights on.

   Getting Old- It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

   NEW SECRET SERVICE CODE OF ETHICS: 1.) When arguing with a hooker in the hotel hallway, Use your "Inside" voice. 2.) You're only allowed to jump on a prostitute if you hear her ticking. 3.) Proudly display the U.S. Flag, But NOT the pole.

   I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

   I'm not loving anyone that I'm not legally required to.

   seeing your neighbour looking at your window with a binocular is creepy, when you are looking at their window with a binocular...

   How come changing the channel doesn't get these damn Kardashians off of the tv?

   now a days...all the little rascals would have been removed from their homes and the parents would be facing neglect charges

   Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress