Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.

   Rihanna shouldn't be in the new movie Battleship. It should be projected on her forehead.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   ah tuesday, mondays slightly less ugly sister

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   Here, let me tell you about a ton of opinionated bull$hit that's not actually news" - Every major news Channe

   If you remember the phrase "Yo Quero Taco Bell", you probably grew up in the 90's.

   I'm going to open a store next to FOREVER 21 and call it "FINALLY 22".....

   Do NOT lower your standards to "keep" anyone. Make them meet you at YOUR level. Self respect is power.

   Dear Websites that automatically play loud videos, thanks for trying to get me fired!

   You know you're awesome when Facebook suggests people you have already had sex with.