Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I stand right next to the "God Hates Fags" guy with a sign that says "Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend"

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for shit to happen.

   Everyones first attempt at a passionate kiss looks like a mule trying to eat a sugar cube through a split rail fence.

   To be completely honest, you should know that I am a compulsive liar.

   Snakes are just tails with faces...

   HOORAY HOORAY the 1st of May,outdoor screwing starts today!

   Adele might set fire to rain... But SpongeBob can make a campfire under water.

   "F%&k da haters, imma do me, these b!tches aint real I'm the realest b!tch" - Every Ghetto Chick On Facebook

   If you play a Ke$ha song backwards, you hear messages from Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you hear Ke$ha.

   When the air hostess stops smiling and sits down, then you know it's about to go down.

   You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

   My 1st relationship taught me that men and women aren't all that different. And my 2nd one taught me that my first gf was a tranny.

   Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world's greatest underutilized romantic resource.

   A woman's heart is as tender, vulnerable and fragile as a man's balls. Don't break hers and she won't break yours.

   Look...the very LEAST we could do is have sex.

   I just realized why Obama raised tobacco taxes to exponential levels. It's pure profit from all his supporters continually blowing smoke up his a$$.

   After going back to school I can now spell G.H.O.S.T.

   9 out of 10 doctors agree that the 10th doctor doesn't know what he's talking about.

   The guy who invented copy and paste is my hero.

   My ex just sent me a photo of her having sex with her new boyfriend. I sent it to her Dad