Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do crickets hear when they have an awkward silence?

   I don't understand why my friend and his wife won't talk to me anymore... They are vegetarians so I think it's well within my right to call their kids "Children of the Corn."

   I tried to stop a jukebox like the Fonz. In a related note I'm the proud owner of 15 new stitches, just in case you were wondering how cool I was.

   Well that was a bit disappointing. That Insta-gram wasn't what I thought it was going to be!

   Two cars crashed into each other in Mexico. 57 Dead.,

   There needs to be a class on how to take a mirror photo without looking at your phone, because apparently it's an issue for a lot of you.

   2 car pile up on the Mexican border, thousands die

   They say everybody has at least one gay thought in their lifetime... I told myself as I slowly backed away from Justin Biebers new album

   What if air is just a poisonous gas that takes about 80 years to kill us?

   Ben got really upset when I called him a f@g, I've never seen someone run down the road in high heels so fast.

   How do you make a woman blind?.... Stick a car windscreen in front of the b!tch.

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

   Dear Google, please don't tell anyone about the things I've searched for- Sincerely everyone.

   My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

   If the minimum wage is good enough for all Americans, then that's how much Congress should make as well.

   You can sue tobacco companies and McDonalds, so can I sue Barry Manilow for making me a pu$$y??

   As you take another breath, someone takes their last. Stop complaining; appreciate life.

   If my door was closed when you came in, make sure its closed on your way out. Thank you!

   Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping

   Smart girls open their minds. Easy girls open their legs & foolish girls open their hearts.