Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't rush greatness.

   Don't waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.

   Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food.

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   Ive saved a ton of money on Birthday Cards by switching to Facebook!

   See Nude pictures of me → (Click here)

   TEQUILA wants to know... Have you hugged your toilet today?

   Flattered when someone rearranges one of my status updates as their own... Thanks

   "If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   since state farm also offers life insurance, why do you never hear a commercial say "like a good neighbor state farm is there....with a bullet in my spouse's head"?

   Grandma just answered the TV remote when the phone rang...the only weird part is she had a ten minute conversation.

   A wise old man once said nothing....bet a woman can't do that!!

   has the feeling that the Saturday night beer fairy will be visiting shortly.

   Do you ever get the feeling your being watched? Because if its bothering you, I'll stop...

   I don't look outside windows at night because I'm scared of seeing a face.

   It makes me sad when people say they married their best friend, mainly cuz marriage between a man & beer will never be legal.

   Whenever a bird craps on my car , I sit on my front porch and eat a plate of scrambled eggs just to let them know what I am capable of