Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My coworkers don't engage me in a lot of water cooler chit-chat, but it may be because my favorite topic is "water cooler spigot bacteria."

   Struggling with Impostor Syndrome a lot lately. I guess I just need to relax, take a breath, and remind myself that my father was the Czar.

   I think a funny thing to do is call "How's My Driving" numbers on the backs of trucks and yell, "Well for starters GET OFF THE PHONE!"

   If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands. Everybody else, write a novel about your childhood.

   We forget that it was Ben Franklin who said fish and guests smell after three days, and that Ben Franklin was a notorious guest murderer.

   Just had a Popsicle and the riddle was: "Q: What's purple and cold and filled with the spit of underpaid Popsicle writers?"

   Remember the last rule of Fight Club is, "Most importantly: have fun!"

   You'd think the crescent roll's packages would have a warning like: May blow your hand off if opened correctly.

   Well APPARENTLY,,,, baby powder + water does not make a baby................... Myth,, BUSTED...

   My girlfriend left me after I broke her wheelchair..... Oh,, I think she'll come crawling back soon..

   Reading the first dozen pages, reminds me of reading something from the 50s...so wholesome.

   My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

   Why spend all that time in school to be a doctor,, when you can save lives by forwarding an email or reposting a status on your Facebook wall?

   So this midget walks into a mini bar........

   When updating your status, always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out...

   Facebook has saved me thousands of dollars on Birthday Cards!!! (suck it hallmark)

   Not to brag,,,, but legally,,, before something can be labeled "Idiot Proof",,, they have to run it by ME.

   Ha Ha!! For the past two weeks I've just been giving a bowl of alphabet soup a stir,, and posting whatever floats to the top.

   Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.

   The only thing my ex & I had in common was that neither one of us would suck a d!ck.