Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   You say potato, I say Rocky Dennison.

   Love thy neighbor, just dont get caught .....

   turns out the March of Dimes people aren't very fond of dimes...

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....

   Dear new generation, The Lion King will always be ours, SO BACK OFF B!TCHES. Sincerely, 90s kids.

   Televison is a chewing gum for the eyes ,,!

   you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends nose, but you can't wipe your friend on the couch..

   i hear liquor stores have started selling hand sanitizer in the cold section with the beer.

   Getting your girlfriend to agree to try an@l is NOT made any easier when you tell her how willing your last girlfriend was.

   Finally, I'm online! Just want to say to all my facebook friends good night.. out!

   KEEP CALM. There is enough pu$$y in the world for everyone, even for lesbians too.

   Going half way across the state this morning, and you know what that means...this truck is now a rolling karaoke machine.

   I have paid for this bottle of Vodka, I own that. I still haven't paid my rent for this month, I owe that.

   I don't see dead people, I just see people that I wish were dead.

   It's always a shock when one of your best friends turns out to be three small dogs in a man suit.