Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wallow in self pity, I drink through it like a real man.

   Somewhere in the world a stripper is having a mental breakdown on the pole...... HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

   I've tried experimenting with drugs. Putting acid in my wife's tea has been the funniest yet.

   Every time I go on vacation, my wife gets pregnant. I should take her with me next time.

   The internet is a great place to turn strangers into enemies.

   What goes "mhau namih uh bah booh"? A deaf woman when your standing on her foot apparently.

   Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...

   Ron Artest - Metta World Peace, that's his name now, only gets a 7 game suspension for cheap shot in the NBA. Do we live in a society that rewards bad behavior? What's next, an endorsement for elbow macaroni?

   Ever wonder why the side of the car says" to protect and serve"????? Protect the donuts and serve the coffee................

   If aliens attack earth we should all act like we dont hear or see them.

   My Asian friend ordered a Crown and Coke but I hired a clown to do blow with him because I knew what he meant.

   I hate when I take LSD, and see a raccoon, and I'm all "The Hamburglar is shape-shifting, man!"

   I used to want to be a storm chaser, until I realized most storms will just come to you.

   Love hurts, and will tear us apart. Also, timber wolves.

   I eat all my food doggy style.

   One thing you will never hear me say, "Yes, that IS my Prius"

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked what I was doing. Apparently, "heating your dinner" was not the right answer.

   [ ] single. [ ] taken. [X] I get about as much attention as a white crayon.

   Stop warning stupid people and give evolution a chance to work its wonderful process.

   When your foot falls asleep, that's God's way of saying... "Move, your lazy a$s!"