Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Being a single independent person means, you're not dependent to your family and friends too, is that right?!

   The new mouthwash I bought says "24 HOUR PROTECTION ....use twice daily"

   4 outta 5 cannibals agree that vegetarians taste better..

   Note to self: Feed lots of Mayo to the tuna first,,,,,,THEN butcher.

   I eat my peas with honey.. I dun it all my life.. It makes the peas taste funny.. But it keeps them on my knife.

   I see this poor old lady slip over on some wet leafs today. Well I think she was poor, she only had £1.50p in her purse.

   I don't care what anyone says. MySpace is NOT dead. I just friended two hotties. Wilma and Betty. In ya face, suckas!

   The number one thing on my bucket list; not dying!

   I learn from the mistakes of others.... Who have taken my advice.

   I told my wife "you're like a drug to me." "Aww because you're addicted to me?" she said. "No because you're ruining my life" I replied

   What's 12 inches and makes women wanna have sex? My hunting knife...

   I have watched, line by line, as a picture of a topless girl tries to load through a 28.8k modem onto a pentium II -only to see it fail at nipple level

   I like to close my eyes when I'm kissing a girl...That way the pepper spray doesn't get into my eyes.

   Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer teh olny oens brililnat ni unscarbmlnig snetneces leki thsi.

   My girlfriend and I are going through a tough period...Its actually her first...

   Teen pregnancy could easily be reduced if clubs had better lighting...

   Studies show that if you stare at woman's breasts for longer than 5 minutes...You are very likely to get a black eye.

   ...look daddy!!...the elephant is eating the peanuts right out of my hand!!..back away son, that's no elephant, that's a fat girl.

   if mothers taught their teen daughters to take it in the a$$, teen pregnancy would be greatly reduced!

   well it's not going to suck it's self!