Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite thing to make for dinner is a reservation

   You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.

   Like hello where are the good clean messages that you guys used to write at the beginning????? x___x

   If people could hear the next five seconds after I hit "end" on a call, I would have no friends.

   I am generally caught off guard when people have their cell phone ringer turned on..

   There are over 52.6 million dogs in the U.S. Not counting your ex.

   When black girls take off their earrings you know s$it just got real.

   If I come to your house and you say "make yourself at home", don't get mad when I take my pants off and drink your beer.

   I want to ask some people, "How do you take dumps when s$it comes out of your mouth 24/7?

   I wouldn't have to manage my anger… If people could learn to manage their stupidity. 

   It's funny how you can do nice things for people all the time and they never notice. But, once you make one mistake, it's never forgotten.

   Seriously! Just saw a Weight Watchers commercial on the Food Network... Really? That's like a Jack Daniels ad running on PBS.

   Wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it.

   girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old s?it

   If you ever google Gary Oldman... don't forget the R... worst experience in my life!

   Was thinking about ordering P90X, but I just had to take a knee midway through pouring a glass of sweet tea, so maybe I'll just go lie down instead.

   Try and find me now Sucka!- bread tie

   When I'm having a day sometimes I go to WalMart and just smile and show off my teeth.

   two muffins are sitting in an oven, one turns to the other and says "damn sure is hot in here isn't it?" the other muffin turns and screams "HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!!"

   It's Awkward for men to buy Pads & for women to buy Condoms.