Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   The world is divided into two kinds of people: those who have tattoos, and those who are afraid of people with tattoos

   Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are

   One thing I've learned about myself after all this time on Facebook is that I have no idea how to use a comma.

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

   I want a car that runs on the tears I shed at the gas pump.

   Facebook now has 901 million users and I'm pretty sure all of them have invited me to play FarmVille.

   I'm a problem that you'd be glad to have.

   Hey, people who start stories with, "You're not gonna believe this!" Calm down. We'll probably believe it.

   The Google home page today features a giant zipper. I'm NOT gonna open it. Who knows what'll pop out.

   Most stoners seem like they're not too bright. But ask them about weed and they turn into a walking Wikipedia.

   A realtor called asking if I'm interested in selling my house. I'm interested in my neighbour selling his so I booked him an appointment.

   Good things come to those who wait... but great things come to those who don't just sit around waiting for sh!t to happen.

   Even if women came with directions, you still wouldn't read them.

   The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn't enough

   I've got a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it… bed.

   I'm getting a seeing eye dog and never looking up from my phone again.

   In life, people who deserve nothing usually end up getting everything.

   No one man has done more to bring peace to mankind than the inventor of coffee.

   A ‘bad' woman is exciting and she's the kind of woman a man never gets tired of being around.