Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not my farting that bothers my wife, it's me yelling "Release the Kraken!!" right before I do it.

   Fact:There will never be a movie or book called '' ''Think'' Like a Woman".

   I'm so lazy I have to Google search "Facebook" just to go to their website.

   That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away.

   Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8. You'd better f*cking be there.

   If you lose a fight to a midget, you become one.

   My stomach just growled so hard I thought I was getting a text message.

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"

   Celebrate Earth Day ...because it's much more enjoyable than living on the moon !

   I hate it when I'm drinking and somebody tries to correct my Vodkabulary.

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   I just wrote go f*** yourself on a piece of paper and put it in the suggestion box at work.

   Good night beautiful ladies *Kisses* Good night ugly ladies *hand shakes*

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   I pooped in a plastic egg and put it in my neighbors bushes. Cant wait for his annoying kid to find it.

   My a$$hole neighbor has this unhealthy obsession with washing eggs off the side of his house and car.

   I can always tell if someone is a murderer within the first 5 seconds of them stabbing me.