Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.

   "Jesus loves you." It's so nice to hear that said to oneself in church!! ... "Jesus loves you." A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison!!

   Dick Clark died?? Man I really dropped the ball on that one!!.....too soon?

   The best way to make people remember you?Borrow money from them.

   Awww, someone needs a hug! "Touch me and you die."

   Okay all of Facebook, here goes the beginning of two more days about who died in Hollywood. Yes, we all want to know, everyone at once. BEGIN!

   Toothpase is the smallest section at Wallmart

   Oh for the love of Jesus please stop rep0sting this "If you want to remember you borrow money from them" sh!t. We have already seen it here ten times this week alone.

   Here is a big shout out for slugs, those little guys are out there doing the same stuff as snails but without helmets...

   With the price of gasoline I am willing to take the risk of no ozone layer for old school "Regular" gasoline.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to stalk and flirt.

   "Happy last earth day" ~ Mayans

   Feck as others would feck onto you...

   A great goal in life is to never let anyone you know see you removing a hair from your mouth.

   "I felt as useful as a juice box without a straw" - Lyrics from my country music song about parenting

   I'd like to be an optimist but I know I'd be terrible at it

   Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .

   Happy Earth Day...don't mind my tire fire......just can't seem to put it out.

   ‘Dog Whisperer' host finalizes divorce, must pay ex-wife $23,000 a month. I didnt know you can make so much money whispering to dogs,, I whisper to mine and she just looks at me

   It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .