Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If “plan A” didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.

   *BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   My wife says I'm "Immature"... just because I snuck up behind her when she was reading her "Romance" novel and made kissing sounds.....

   Happy National Surprise Random Drug Test Day!

   gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   ˆjust sent my ex a picture of my flaccid pen!s. I just wanted her to know I was thinking about her.

   My sister came back home crying over her boyfriend and asked me to console her...So I hit her over the head with the XBOX

   A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.