Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   When you say Jesus backwards it sounds just like "sausage."

   Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   _Dick Clark died? That was rather sudden. I mean, they didn't even have a countdown or anything.

   I just went by Lowes to see if they had any grass......That had a whole different meaning when I was 20....just sayin'

   Kids nowadays have it made.... I'd like to see them settle for a gray and white t.v. with rabbit ears and aluminum foil.

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.

   I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

   NEWS FLASH: "Before" is spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4...this is English, not Bingo.

   Can't call it a real relationship if you feel single.

   If you're playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night & you put your ear up to your monitor, it sounds exactly like having no friends.

   Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having

   Dear Inventor of the Keyboard, Why did you make the "t" and the "g" so close together? I keep signing my letters "With Retards"