Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my ex to make sure she gives 100% today... she's on her way to donate blood.

   I picked up a hitchhiker today... Dragged him for 2 miles before the f*cker finally fell off my car.

   People love to push the envelope. What they dont' know is that papercuts really hurt when I shove that envelope right back up their ass.

   Shout out to all the people on my friends list who have hidden me from their wall, and are unable to see this post.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   My girlfriend just said, "Your obsession with cats is out of control, so I've packed your bags." I think she's kicking meeeowt.

   Hey there "young" ones, before you go "setting the world on fire", how 'bout you just concentrate on NOT fcking up my order at the driv-through...thanks.

   The Wife has just just had her teeth whitened, although, to be honest, most of it landed on her chin.

   How do you stop a woman giving you head? Marry her.

   The next time a girl complains about you leaving the toilet seat up, leave it down and pi$$ all over it...

   Got a text from my girlfriend, 'thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what 'ternative' means?

   I just bought some wallpaper and I'm making it listen to Justin Bieber. Maybe it will hang itself.

   Hiding in the restroom at work, just to post this (;

   Ever since shows like American Idol and Dancing With The Stars, we have A$$HOLES who think they're judges.

   Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won't be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that's what's been missing.

    I might be  a 3XL at the mall, but I'm only a petite at "The Big and Tall Store"

   wifey material " = down for you through whatever , holds it down , support system , loving , faithful, & sucks you up whenever you want it

   HOT = Hoez Out Today

   Swimming can be confusing… some people do it for fun.. I do it not to die.

   These stale great value brand Doritos taste like middle class sadness.