Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   Breaking News!! Ted Nugent To Be Interviewed By The Secret Service Secret Service " Hey Ted, Can I have your autograph?"

   Art of management- "Let that person to be himself for few minutes and for the next few hours he will react only as you act" :P

   Satisfying your ego is not a easy job, you may get pleasure for a time but loneliness for lifetime

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   Do you think the black iPhone run faster than the white iPhone

   If we put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes.

   see if you can be the lucky one to be the 200th to like this I'll start the ball rolling

   WEED: Atleast its not crack!

   First GPS, now SIRI,,,more women telling me what to do and where to go !!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Laxatives scare the Crap out of me !

   Even crappy coffee is better than no coffee at all.

   People like you are the reason people like me take pills... and I'm OK with that. ;)

   Time magazine just released this year 100 most influential people...How can Samuel Adams not make this list?...I'm under his influence everytime I leave a Bar.