Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Galaxy Breaking News* Mars Rover discovers location for the next Wal-Mart Superstore...coming soon hillbilly's in space!

   And speaking of my EX,, " Divorce is Strong with this one." >> Darth Vader, Marriage counselor..

   “Use divorce, Luke...” – Obi Wan, marriage counselor

   HEY,,,People of Canada: Why do you leave all of your coins here?

   My Internet just went down... Looks like I gonna have to settle for time with my wife

   The "Its Complicated" status on Facebook is referring to women in general, right?

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   When I meet someone and I get a "Nice weather we are having..." I say, "My dog's toys taste salty!" I find it moves the conversation along.

   Was born at night but not last night!

   If cats could drive they would all drive Volvos and not like you.

   I wish more parents let kids choose their own names. Then everyone would just be named Spiderman or Ariel or Fruit Rollup.

   The side effects of the medicine I'm on include nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, nausea, repeating things four times & difficulty adding.

   Congress to release new economic recovery plan: Vegas, Baby!!!

   "Face tatoo in college" was put up yesterday. 04-17-2012 21:03, maybe check beforehand? lolz /smh

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day. Feels like it should be posted on Facebook.

   I think Mitt Romney should pick Hologram Tupac for his running mate..

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead