Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there is no quicker way to separate yourself from god as to judge your fellow man

   I can't believe we wasted star wars technology on tupac

   oh oh here comes the slutty shorts

   Everytime a toilet overflows a flushed fish gets its revenge.

   Damn Guess it's time to get out of the tub, my phones almost dead.

   If cars really exploded as easily as they do in movie's, I wouldn't have made it hope from the delivery room.

   I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife

   Dr. just told me I have cancer and alzhiemers....atleast I dont have cancer

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   It's the saddest thing when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

   OSHA. Article 260.17 States: All Turds over 6" Long shall be Hand lowered to prevent Chemical Splashback. ......On the Door of a Port-O-John.. LMAO!

   best place to hide a body, page 2 google search results

   These Nigerian conmen would actually more victims if they worked on their spelling a little.

   I dont see how anyone can smoke in here, I can barely eat my sandwich...written on the wall of a porta-john

   Tax Day! Just wanna say that taxation WITH representation isn't all that great either..

   If you love someone, let them know often. Because you might not be able to say it again. Also, same thing works for people you f*cking hate.

   My mom says it's her house, but when it's time to clean, it magically becomes my house, too.

   Please don't bore your friends with your troubles and worries. Tell your enemies instead, who will be delighted to hear about them.