Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your childhood is over when you actually want to take a nap.

   Drinking promotes freedom of speech. Call me tonight and I'll tell what I really think of you!

   While most of my friends played Doctor as a kid, I played Mortician. I didn't have much faith in them being doctors.

   I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

   Nothing better than coming home from work, pop open a beer and watch the dog drag a$$ on the carpet.

   I bought a Dale Earnhart GPS on eBay but it just keeps telling me to turn left. I swear it is starting to drive me up the walls.

   I still prefer record albums with scratch sounds a poppin...gives character

   ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄▼ ◄ ▲ ► ▼ ◄ ▲ Sorry, I just dropped my bag of Doritos.

   I sleep fully clothed for a week after a woman tells me... "Everything's going to be OK."

   Ah...... The irony of the London Olympics being sponsored by McDonald's and Coca - Cola

   My neighbor and I saw a shooting star last night... so we each made wish. Sadly his house burned down, but my wish come true! :)

   My friend said she thought it was so cute how me and my girlfriend always hold hands. I didn't have the heart to tell her that it's because if I let go she goes shopping.

   I went to the blockbuster store... and saw a caveman sitting in the corner trying to make fire by rubbing two VHS tapes together.

   I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....

   ****PILOT****

   If I am arguing with someone and they say "READ MY LIPS" I slap them in the mouth and tell them my vision is bad so I need large print.

   I'm starting a new fad, it's called Walk the Plank. Basically, whenever you see someone planking, walk on them and then jump off.

   Kids growing up today will never know what its like to have no internet, no cell phones, and a whole bunch of pubic hair.

   I'm sick and tired of the games requests on Facebook. If it doesn't stop Imma be forced to play Facebook's Version of "My foot in ya ass."

   Some rude idiot just interrupted my afternoon nap by honking his horn just because the light turned green.