Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Awesome idea... You and 2 of your friends go to 3 separate dealerships and test drive the same make, model, and color car. Then you meet up somewhere, all swap cars, and take them back. Then say you'll keep their card and be in touch.

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   I'm like a magician in bed, I'll make all your hopes and dreams disappear.

   If you're wondering what your girlfriend would look like as a blow-up doll, watch her put mascara on.

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   I'll check again but i'm pretty sure I could care less that Brad and Angelina are getting married...

   I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day....

   What if we're all being punked, and Tupac was always a hologram?

   I think Tupac should win a Hologrammy for his Coachella performance......

   Great news, everybody -- my pants aren't tight anymore! (I finished eating all the breadsticks I smuggled out of the Olive Garden.)

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   Storms can be scary to kids, so I tell my son that thunder is God beating Jesus because he "forgot" to put his toys away.

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   I was reading the ten commandments and got to "thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife" and I remembered where I left my wallet.

   Like if you remember the correlation between a pencil and a cassette tape ...

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   I just discovered I have a super power! I can be invisible... Oh no no wait, I'm just being ignored.

   Two silk worms had a race ....they end up in a tie .....(Rimshot)

   The problem with reality is that there's no background music, so you never really know whether something mysterious, evil or adventurous is about to happen.