Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   thinks it's better to be "over the hill" then under it.

   going to the ventriloquist show tonight. My roof lamp told me that.

   Ebonics word for the day "mayonaise". Mayonaise alot of crackers up in here

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   There is no angry way to say 'bubbles.'

   Ok, just heard this on a radio... "Up next is Justin Bieber's Boyfriend." My suspicions are confirmed.

   I'd have a better relationship with Vodka, I just can't make it last.

   someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**

   I'm currently killing a twelve pack, and every squirrel within fifty yards of my porch. Love me some Saturdays.

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   "New and Improved" ... if it's something new, how are they improving it? I'm calling B.S. on that...

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught...

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.