Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why post a picture on Facebook with the caption 'OMG I'm sooooooo ugly or fat' and then get annoyed when I agree?

   The annoying moment when the TV commercials are so long that you forget what you're watching.

   We all have that friend that acts innocent, but is very naughty

   This beer tastes like I'm not waking up until the afternoon.

   1:00pm *Hears noise* "Hmm I wonder what that was..." 1:00am *Hears noise* "OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO BE MURDERED!"

   Tell someone you love them today, because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing

   Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well

   Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.

   My Superpower is always picking a shopping cart with "the one crapped-up wheel" ..... Anyone wanna help me design a costume?

   My wife wanted to go window shopping so I took her to Jones Pane and Glass!

   Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I'm standing outside with two open beers and *lonely face*

   thought about you in the shower...twice

   Black is beautiful, tan is grand, but white is the color of the big boss man!

   just putting some salad bits on my bacon

   I'm watching Lionel Ritchie, and Big and Rich are doing Brick House. I am not convinced country singers need to stick to country, and leave the R&B to people with rhythm!

   not understanding why so many guys are wearing "TAPS" Tight-ass-pants.

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.

   Ordale Pues, Lift Up Your Dress and I'll Do the Rest from Your Feet to Your Chest!

   Sometimes all you can say about a person is, "Bless their hearts." Southerners will understand what I'm talking about

   I just woke myself up dreaming that I was waking myself up dreaming while I was laughing in my sleep. I don't think that's funny...