Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to write a funny status to get a bunch of likes, but then I realized, If I just write the word Boobies all the guys on my friends list will like it! Soo BOOBIES!

   Pizza Hut is selling a pizza with hotdogs in the crust???... Aren't the type of people who order this,, the same people who aren't able to waddle quick enough to answer the door?

   Damn, looks like someone with a small peepee lost his girlfriend to a black dude!

   I use to be good at math, until they added the alphabet

   The awesome moment when you're telling a lie and your best friend notices and joins you

   Nobody complements my girlfriend and gets away with it.

   Atleast Kanye let Kris Humphries finish...

   Woman's Logic: Bikini - No problem. Bra and underwear: - OMG DON'T LOOK!!!

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   Teacher Johnny: Use the word HARASSMENT in a Sentence... Johnny: I was in Love with a girl and.. Her-ass-meant a lot to me

   NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."

   If you`re texting two people at the same time, you are biTextual...

   A good date ends with dinner. An excellent date ends with breakfast.

   I've given up begging my girlfriend to swallow. From now on, she can deal with her anorexia on her own.

   Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.

   When it comes to friends...I'd rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

   Whenever I have a truck driver call me asking for directions I just start making sh*t up. I still wonder if that guy ever found Kaka Street.

   I hate when crumbs fall down your cleavage.....sometimes I think my boobs eat more than I do

   I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?