Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yeah okay. I wanna subscribe to your facebook modeling page. You and the 9,847,357 others who have no chance of advancing beyond this level.

   If you didn't make one corner of an old metal swing set pop up in the backyard, you sucked growing up!

   If a cop pulls you over and asks for papers, he does not mean the zig zag papers.... :/

   Sorry, Rick Santorum, but you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term...

   Been keeping this inside my head for too long. Ladies, sometimes those really thin eye brows, freak us guys out. Please attend to your eye brows responsibly

   George Zimmerman has become the new Waldo.

   You see,,, Once you start making Freudian slips, you can't stop,,, it's just one after a mother.

   If I ever saw an amputee being hanged,,,,, I'm pretty sure I'd just start yelling out letters

   I hate it when they put the tacos in my bag upside down :-(

   Ever wonder how many of your friends are jerks? Just post something with a typo in it..... It's like their mating call.

   I don't want to say I have man boobs, but I went jogging and there was definite clangage

   Benadryl -- the $7 babysitter.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped my phone.

   Life is a gift ... Unrap it with Zeal !!

   Announcing “I'm offended” is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you.

   So my Twitter machine started making this odd noise and vibrating and the words "Incoming Call" were on my screen. What the hell is THAT?!?!

   When looking up Gary Oldman on Google make sure you don't leave out the 'R'..

   Real Fact : white girl driving...black guy passenger seat

   white girls acting like they black..look at the mirror you IS WHITE

   white girl + black guys = white trash