Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Judging by the fact that you wear Crocs, there is no way I will walk any distance in your shoes.

   The only people who truly know your story, are the ones that helped you write it.

   You know your spelling and grammar has to be REALLY bad if Microsoft Word doesnt even have a clue as to what you are trying to say.

   Damn it!!! My neighbor mowed his grass, now I got to mow mine again. :/ I'm gonna lower my deck two notches lower than his, just to piss him off!!!

   How long does it take for this Smart Water to kick in? I have been slipping it in her drink for 2 weeks now and as best as I can tell nothing has changed.

   Bon Jovi, everyone! ~ me on my first day in French class.

   If you've never farted in a cup then handed it to a friend asking them "does this smell funny to you?", you probably can't deal with me.

   I'm wearing the boxer shorts with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail...

   You know when guys pee, and they shake their pen!s for that last drop? ...........That's how much gas I got for 2 dollars.

   For not knowing what's going on, dogs sure look embarrassed when you watch them taking a dump.

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   How to wash dishes: 1. Place dirty plates and silverware in the sink. 2. Wait.

   When someone texts you 'k', just reply, "L M N O P Q R S T you V W X why Z"

   It has been proven that girls with profile picture of them selves in the mirror are more likely to send nudes.

   I have reliable inside information about Apple's next product. I will not be able to afford it.

   Y.O.L.O.???? Oh you've found out that you only live once? Please, tell me more about your other scientific discoveries.

   Long skirts carry dust; short skirts carry away souls. ~ Old Proverb

   On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??

   There are a lot of deadbeat dads out there trying to make up for lost time by "liking" their grown children's facebook updates.

   Y.O.L.O You Obviously Love Oreos