Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear screaming. That is the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store.

   I just peed so hard I laughed a little.

   I hate it when couples have a little argument and the girlfriend changes her Facebook status to 'single'.I mean, I have arguments with my parents all the time, you don't see me changing my status to 'orphan'.

   If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.

   Hey,, When I was young I had to Post stuff manually... Barefoot in the snow,,, uphill both ways....... And I was GRATEFULL

   I'm so broke my nervous breakdown is on layaway.

   My 3 year old already has better handwriting than me

   Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.

   When I finally meet the love of my life, I hope he appreciates all the time I spent following him and hiding in his bushes.

   Hey skinny guy having a Greek yogurt and Vitamin Water for lunch. I'd come punch you in the face but I don't want my fries to get cold

   I wonder how awkward it was for the guy who invented clapping: *claps* "What're you doing??" Not Sure...but it sounds encouraging

   Ever check your Facebook early in the morning where you have to close one eye because the screen is too bright?

   my friend saif "I don't give a sh*t about Christmas, Easter and New Years", but I do give a sh*t...So he is going to be very surprised by the type of Easter Egg I give him tomorrow. It's cheaper than chocolate anyway!

   This Alzheimer's Easter Egg Hunt is taking forever...

   when butterflies fall in love...do they feel humans in their stomach?

   Showed the kids here how to eat corn-on-the-cob typewriter style........ Now explaining typewriter.

   There is a big difference between hating you and losing respect for you.

   Look, I'm just saying that somewhere between Jesus dying on the cross and a giant bunny hiding eggs... There seems to be a gap of information!

   In a group picture, there is always the retard that does the peace sign.

   Edward Scissorhand's death was probably from running.