Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In other news, 科 研成果 迅速 转化为生产力 是这个特!

   I would rather cut off fourteen inches of my p@nis than lie to impress a girl.

   Once upon a time the hardest decision we had to make was to choose our favorite color in a crayon box...

   went to doctor yesterday. the nurse had to stick me with the needle 5 times...with that much poking was they being a nurse or a facebook friend?

   Ever since I started working out every day, I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   Click like if you almost cried when Trey said,"Yo Dough...You still got one Brotha left!".

   I like to go up to my wifes twin sister and say "i know what you look like naked"

   These tornadoes are awful...I blame the violence in tornado themed video games

   The Muppets would have been so much better if Kermit had been voiced by John Wayne.

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   I applied for a job in a Pshyc Ward. They said I need 24 hrs experience with a retard... So I was wondering, what are you doing tomorrow.

   I phoned the Procrastinators Helpline... They took my number and said they'd get back to me :/

   Does this leaf make me look fat?" - Eve.

   I only have a home phone so I can find my cell phone.

   My favorite machine at the gym is the exit door.

   I'd like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.

   The plain cake donut is always the last one picked.... Come with me poor little plain cake donut,, you can be on my team.

   Wait,, there's a "pro-anorexia" community? That's a thing?.. Oh,, I bet they have the worst luncheons ever.

   lf you can only be good at one thing, be good at cheating....because if you're good at cheating, you're good at everything.