Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..[̲̅B̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅w̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅r̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅o̲̅] [̲̅f̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅h̲̅] [̲̅e̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅l̲̅] [̲̅u̲̅] [̲̅m̲̅] [̲̅i̲̅] [̲̅n̲̅] [̲̅a̲̅] [̲̅t̲̅] [̲̅iÌ

   According to the Amcash commercials, I only need my checkbook and last paystub. Apparently, your last paystub from October 2011 doesn't count!

   If wearing a hoodie automatically made you a suspect there'd be dead emo kids everywhere.

   You say "potato," I say "larger more powerful potato."

   Team Edward, Team Jacob, & Team Hey Kid Read Some Anne Rice Already.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   "Gigs" are better than "jobs," because at gigs the expectations for your sobriety are significantly lessened.

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   I believe in love. I also believe in Superman and The Force.

   Super-Sorry to the family I choked out at the laundromat this a.m. I thought you all stole my beige sock. Just found it in car!

   There's a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road, and all I can think,, is that one of you,, is without your protective headgear today.

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   Well, as far as Timeline goes, something tells me my Great-Great Grandchildren are gonna run across mine and say, "WTF!"

   Caution: this Facebook user may use sarcasm and cynicism in a way that you are not accustomed to. Viewer discretion is advised.

   I told the lady Jimmy John delivery driver to give me a call when she was promoted to sandwich making.

   wonders...how many is y'all and how far is over yonder?

   B.I.T.C.H. Beautiful Intelligent Tough Courageous Humorous... Just the way women should be...

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   True southerners, don't put a ' in yall