Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just don't get it. Some people talk about a bucket list but they are to lazy to get a job and buy the bucket.

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   I know how to kill you six different ways with a pork chop bone so don't take the last helping of macaroni...

   I wish my life was more like a professional wrestler's. I'd walk into work with entrance music, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show.

   I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   I went to Alcoholics Anonymous last week. The first thing they told me to do was to stop hanging around other alcoholics. So I stopped going.

   Mark Zuckerberg screwed over his class mates and best friend. Do you honestly think he cares about your opinion on the new Timeline layout?

   Best I can figure, women have 3 levels of sexy: 1. Got to look good for my man sexy. 2. Got to catch a man sexy. 3. Class reunion, it's on b!tches.

   I want to have 3 kids and name them Ctrl Alt and Del, so if they f#@k up I can hit them all at once.

   Tried to buy a Harley today but they said I had no balding as of yet?

   Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. Snack in between.

   I put up all the Christmas lights for Easter.......

   That scary moment when you get home from work to an empty and deserted house and realize that maybe her “I am running away with my boss” speech wasn't an April Fool's joke.

   I am not saying I am praying for you to die, but I cant wait to DJ at your funeral.

   Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, and the first thing I look for in you.

   You don't have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.

   You know you're getting old when you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

   My daily needs: Food 20% + Water 5% + Sleep 15% + Internet- 60%.

   Ugly girls who send their fine ass friends to holla at a guy for them should be arrested for grand misrepresentation.